Toby’s Sunday light

by on 31 March, 2013


Toby Jug to lead Labor victory

In what seems certain disaster for the Australian Labor Party in September, or earlier, media strategist John McTernan is said to have pulled a rabbit from his hat when he summoned Toby Jug to Canberra for a high level meeting.

Arriving at Canberra station with his fold-up, environment-friendly bicycle, Toby was met and whisked away in a government hearse (undercover ops.) chauffeured by Tim Mathieson wearing a truckies blue singlet on loan from Chesty Bond and imitation tattoos by Musclebound Enterprises Ltd.

The meeting was one-on-one between McTernan and Toby and talks remained confidential for 12 days. Yesterday, in a surprise rally announced on social media, GetUp estimated a crowd of 3.6 million crammed the grounds outside Parliament House to hear Toby. GC.Ed@L.

 “I am not now, and never have been, a member of the Communist Party” The crowd roared approvingly for seventeen minutes before breaking into, “for Toby's a jolly good fellow.”

With these dramatic words, Toby Jug announced his intention to lead the ALP and become Australia’s next Prime Minister.

“I realise that in the current make-up of the Labor Party, this may be regarded as a handicap, but I urge fellow members to ignore this as they did for Julia Gillard and concentrate on anything else that comes to mind.

“It is also a fact that I am not now, and never have been, a member of a trade union; but I submit there are many members of the Parliamentary Party who are in the same position. Well, if not many, then some, surely. Aren’t there? There must be.

“Furthermore, I have never been caught misusing a credit card or have even visited Madame Lash’s well-run, clean, and great value for money social establishment at Kings Cross. In fact, I never heard of it.”

“What never?” was the question from an ABC reporter unused to the rules of interviewing a left-leaning politician.

“Well, hardly ever,” Toby smiled.

He continued, “I want to be a Prime Minister for all Australians, not just global warming fanatics. For all Australians, not just illegal immigrants, not just pink batt importers and tradies, not only Carbon tax extremists, not only elderly Socialists—for ALL Australians. “Bravo, Bravo Toby, vote Toby” roared the mob.

“In doing so, I do not wish to convey the slightest disapproval of these wonderful people I just mentioned who have reduced—I’m sorry, who have made this country what it is. But there are other Australians living here too besides them—people who milk cows or whatever it is they do to them, people who build things out of metal and stuff, people who ride in trains and buses every day for some reason I forget. For all Australians without fear or favour or at least with as little fear or favour as cannot be avoided. Like mining rights and things like all those poor, suffering boat people.

I want to build a great nation—a nation where newspapers will be polite and not poke their noses into things that do not concern them. Where radio broadcasters will not insult anyone, or chat about bad news—no more bad news, only happy stories. A nation where people will not be offended by anything that anybody says to them, or if they are, are entitled to cash compensation for their injured feelings. A nation where no one is discriminated against for anything—a nation where a bloody drongo is entitled to promotion like every other Australian. We already have that ethos in the public service; it is time to bring it into private enterprise. A nation where there is work for everyone, everyone who fancies that sort of thing I mean.

“Toby, Toby,Toby" the chant began.

“Those of us who are descended from our forefathers, and foremothers of course—and fore grandparents, naturally—all wish as I do to live in an Australia where the climate has stopped changing, where there are no more smokestacks, where romantic windmills dot our great land, where the oceans have stopped rising, where droughts are ancient history, and where ancient history is all behind us. That includes recent history too. We have too much of history. Talk of history will be an offence.

“I believe I am the man to unite not just the party but all Australians. As Mr McTernan told me, I am not burdened by any fancy education, not burdened by scruples, not burdened by visions, I am a man who likes women who like me, so I am no misogynist, I have many friends among the gays and I have attended their marriages when I have something suitable to wear, so I am not a homophobe.

“Finally, I am not now and never have been an admirer of Eddie Obeid, so I am a perfect choice to lead the Party and Australia into the future, which inevitably will come. In the unwritten pages of future history will be the footprint of an unseen hand.

Mission accomplished, Toby unfolded his bicycle and rode off through the adoring mass.

Leave a Reply