Toby has connections in high places

by on 15 December, 2012


TobyDiscovered under Freedom of Nonsense, Julia Gillard wrote a speech accepting the Prime Ministership long before Kevin Rudd ever felt a burning sensation, between his shoulder blades, one that his doctor could not explain. That revelation immediately sent hackers to Tony Abbott’s computer.

And there, in a folder marked “Apology”, was his intended speech for the Opening of Parliament following the Coalition’s landslide election predicted for 2013. Toby was given permission from WookieLeaks to publish the document, under a strict condition that he will not reveal the source unless asked to.

Speaker: Order. Order. The Prime Minister has the call.

Omnes. [Hear hear – loud cheering – give the opposition the finger – keep it up for about three minutes.]

Speaker: Order. The Honourable Members on the Opposition benches will stop mooning the Prime Minister immediately. [Whether they are doing it or not – just say it. It will look good in Hansard] Order. Order. The Prime Minister.

Tony: Madam Speaker, I rise to congratulate you on your appointment, and presume that you won’t be poncing and flouncing like the turncoat that Labor appointed to your position. Now, as Prime Minister…


Omnes: [more cheering, throw papers in the air, burst of Advance Australia Fair, but only for a few minutes.]

Tony: It is with a heavy heart, a heart burdened with the knowledge of the many sins, of others I mean, that I advise the House it is my painful duty to begin on this otherwise happy occasion with an apology. When the Honourable Leader of the Opposition, that demented misanthrope—I withdraw and apologise—that backstabbing manipulator—I withdraw and apologise…. Bear with me, my heart is in the hospital bed there with Australia. [Hanky]

Speaker. Silence! Beautifully put. Continue Prime Minister, you have Australia’s undivided attention.

Tony: [Bravely] I firstly apologise for Labor’s cowardly abandonment of Israel at the UN. [Pick up strength now] They overturned a bi-partisan policy that has stood for over sixty years. And they did it to try to squeeze in the Muslim vote. Fat lot of good it did them.

 Madam Speaker, the opposition had the choice between self-serving political advantage or dishonour. They choose the first and got the second.

Omnes: [Hear Hear. Gutless wonders. Hear Hear. Ad lib.]

Tony: I apologise for Labor turning the massive surplus we left them into four years of increasing deficits. How in the name of Heaven was this achieved, Madam Speaker? Mad schemes was part of it, Madam Speaker. Green Loans, Grocery Watch….

Omnes: [Unrestrained laughter, "Grocery Watch!"]

Tony:…. Fuel Watch!

Omnes:[hysterical laughter]

Tony:… cash-for-clunkers, Pink Batts—not only billions down the crapper, but injuries and death as well because of the slipshod execution (no pun intended). Well, you can’t make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear. Then there was the colossal increase in the public service, the Work for Nongs Program …. Madam Speaker—if it was not for the mining sector, we would be broke—flat busted. Perhaps I should have begun by apologising to Australia for the nonsensical Carbon Tax that played its part in making Australia look like buffoons. Billions squandered to achieve worse than nothing—a crippling downturn in manufacturing. Then the Fair Work Ombudsman—the political wing of the para-military unions.

Omnes: Shame! Shame!

Tony: I can understand the outrage in the Coalition benches. But it cannot be helped. The Opposition has a .22 calibre intellect in a .357 Magnum world.

I apologise for Labor’s tireless and endless promotion of green tape that strangles every human endeavour. I apologise for the way Labor banjaxed the cattle industry with live cattle exports and I apologise for that trouble caused by the dopey senator Ludwig. I apologise for the ABC and the Fairfax press who have so deserted integrity and ethics to repeatedly terrify this country with absurd scenarios of death, floods, drought, famine, pestilence and plagues in their demented partisan support of Labor’s discredited man-made global warming fantasy. I apologise for their relentless promotion of republicanism, homosexuality issues, denigration and mockery of religious institutions except Islam, and all other far-left causes that are not part of Labor policy—yet.

Effective today, Madam Speaker, I have taken the first step. I have cut the ABC’s budget in half.

Omnes: [Cheers, tears of joy, cries of At last!]

Tony: The market will take care of slanted media, Madam Speaker. It did it to Newsweek, the New York Times and Time is circling the drain as I speak. There is no need for my government to get involved.

[Note to self. Must come up here with some stirring lines like JFK's inauguration speech to finish, or maybe a bit of Latin.]

Thank you Madam Speaker.


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