Menzies House

The sisterhood of multiculturalism and bias

Toby’s humour temporarily soured when he learned that the ABC has no conservative presenters in their ranks. Given that the Absolutely Bias Corporation is merely a propaganda instrument of the socialist left, but also subsidised by all those on the right, Toby applied to replace the presenter of Q&A Tony Jones.

Toby was accused of being a mentally deranged madman who should be locked up. The letter in reply contained two words: “Piss-off!”

Knowing there must be a vacancy with Britain’s BBC given the departure of Jimmy Savile, Toby went to England to seek advice and perhaps a recommendation from fellow Aussie Rolf Harris. Rolf supported Toby’s self-written CV but all was to no avail.

The BBC refusal in reply had a familiar tone: “Piss-off Aussie misogynist!”

Similarities between the BBC and Auntie appear obvious. “They’re joined at the bloody hip,” as Toby writes. GC.Ed.@L.

News has just escaped from Great Britain that induces bladder malfunction and an irresistible impulse to drop the jaw. A 25-year study found that the BBC downplayed every negative story on multiculturalism and, conversely, up played every touchy-feely warmy-fuzzy dry-my-tears ‘success’ of multiculturalism.

Toby's Sunday light

People smugglers on the ASX

Will the Labor Party legalise people smuggling?

This is the latest rumour coursing the halls of power in Canberra. Smuggling future Labor voters into the country is more than an $8 billion racket and the government might have found a way to get re-elected and a chunk of cash under the table as well.

Menzies House sent special correspondent Toby Jug to the Capital on assignment and here is his scoop obtained mostly via a telephone wiretap. GC.Ed.@L.

Dagmire Enterprises, an under-the-counter, penny-stock and green energy scammers is about to release a prospectus and listing on the Stock Exchange prompted by the recently released people smuggling figures. 

“Our team of analysts have been cracking the data and it all predicts that the Prime Minister plans to legalise the trade,” a voice on the telephone said.

“It is a win-win situation. Creates employment, brings revenue, and shuts Abbott up, as he is for free enterprise,” insisted a voice that sounded much like an internationally  renown treasurer.

Toby's Sunday Light

In a story missed by mainstream media, Toby Jug Green Solutions of Boggy Swamp, Birdsville, has sold its latest green solution to the Australian Climate Change Commission -the ACCC- for a staggering 14 billion dollars.

The story as told to Winifred Thropmorton

There was intense jockeying, offers and counter offers from the giant Apple leading to the huge figure.

CEO Toby Jug, who developed the concept with a 100% grant from the Commission, had to battle with Apple through the courts over the naming rights of his invention. 

Apple hold the rights to iPad and iPod, and claimed that their copyright and other patents were infringed by Mr Jug when the invention was named the “iPood”, but were unsuccessful.

All legal costs were paid by the ACCC. “It’s what the money is for,” said Minister Greg Combet, “to save the Polar Bears and the world.”

Announcing the deal, CEO Jug said that the idea had come when he was on an all-expenses paid trip from the ACCC to India.

It was there he found that more people have mobile phones than toilets. “About 6 billion of the earth’s population of 7 billion have the phones, but only about 4.5 billion have access to sanitation.

Toby's Sunday light

Struggling to make ends meet under the present government, even the gadabout Toby Jug has to adapt. He seeks help in a new venture GC.Ed.@L.

Dear Editor,

you know I have been a loyal contributor to Menzies House, travelled great distances and exposed myself to considerable harm to get that scoop you told me was necessary to meet your publication standards.

It is with some embarrassment and much humility that I appeal to your good nature in the following matter. The truth is, living expenses have increased so steeply even Claude, my pet piranha is on short rations.

Therefore, I hope you will allow me to plug my new business venture that should net me a bundle, especially as my product is unique and rare.

I speak of Higgs bosons now for sale on ebay, (click here for full details) at prices that reflect the scarcity of supply, but I am pleased to announce that MH readers are offered, free, with no conditions attached, three, yes, three Higgs bosons.

The sugar coating

Incontinence Products Editor for “Undies that really suck”, Toby Jug, disguised himself as an intellectual by wearing a leather tie and an old Harris tweed and was able to attend the emergency joint meeting of media editors trying to reach consensus on the Boston Massacre.

Sipping a skinny half-caf latte machiato Turkish with soy he passed unnoticed. Toby reports: GC.Ed.@L.

ABC: Perhaps before we begin we better have some hard facts to work with.

Can our Statistics team help us here?

Team: Well this one makes the 20,745th act of violence since 9/11 carried out by a person of the Islamic faith.

ABC: I hear what you are saying—there just isn’t enough evidence to form a conclusion. I agree. It is too early to say that there is a common element here. We intend to run the line—What Could Possibly Be the Motive? We will be dwelling on the fact that they are white—well, the short one is white looking—good education.  Perhaps suggest he was under the influence of his older brother, he was lonely, unable to fit into society, angry at some unknown cause. Just snapped. Mention conspiracy theories as well, mention the CIA.

SMH: We are not going to mention Muslims then; I mean; I thought we agreed on that.

Toby's Sunday light

As the Australian Prime Minister Julia Gillard pretends to give the military bucket-loads of money sometime in the never-never, her counterparts in Britain were struggling with their own administrative mess.

 Toby was invited to London for high-level talks with First Lord of the Admiralty, the Lord Howard of Effingham, Sir Rupert Jug, being Toby’s uncle.

Toby files this report for Menzies House: GC.Ed.@L.

There must be a lot of mercury in the drinking water in the UK. The deputy chairman of the company building the Royal Navy’s two new aircraft carriers has said the defence programme will make Britain a laughing stock.

Why? Because the Brits are building two aircraft carriers and one aircraft carrier won’t carry aircraft. The second will carry planes but not for another 10 years – so Britain is hoping that Argentina won’t read about it in the papers. The Argies can walk into the Falklands any time.

This script was found under the Admiralty harpsichord seat amongst the libretto of “The good ship Venus,” the popular ditty sung by vulgar sailors.

“TRAFALGAR – THE GUTS AND THE GLORY” an MGM production commemorating the great naval battle of 1805, due for release next year, and has been granted permission to print the exchange between Admiral Lord Nelson and Hardy, Nelson’s Flag Captain, just before the planned battle.

Toby's Sunday light

Controversial "Piss Art" tipped to win next Archibald.

As the Archibald again sparked controversy over what is art and what is a positive mess on the wall, Toby set out for the South Coast to view what critics reckon will take the Archibald next year.

Wanting to reduce greenhouse gas he took the train to Nowra and was rather vexed to discover from a fellow passenger that the train terminated at Bomaderry forcing passengers to walk several kilometres across the Shoalhaven bridge to Nowra.

It was under that bridge where Toby and arranged a clandestine meeting with local artist Roger Braintree whose grandfather had been jailed for scrawling dirty words on wartime posters of Viscount General Bernard Montgomery.

Toby files his account: GC.Ed.@L.

Roger Braintree, has stunned the artistic world with his “Piss Gillard” which depicts the Prime Minister standing apprehensively in a world of urine. It is London to a brick to run away with the prestigious prize.

The arts sector led by Quentin Bryce (the other one) has championed Piss Gillard as a disturbing and challenging statement, which explores how spiritual belief has been exploited, and spiritual values debased. It is part of the polyphonous discourse that many Third World scholars have been calling for. The portrait challenges the boundaries formed by class and gender, and between abstraction and representation, photography and painting, belief and disbelief—I could hardly believe it myself.

Toby's Sunday light

Having recently graduated as a QC from the Institute of Indian Online Barristers, Toby was at the High Court in Canberra this week applying for a seat on the Full Bench when the decision in Alphonse Fagote v Kiddiewinkies Creche P/L was delivered. He recorded it for the benefit of Menzies House readers. GC.Ed.@L.

Mr. Justice Bottle delivered the unanimous judgment:

“The facts in this case are that Mr. Alphonse Fagote claimed that he had been refused employment in the defendant’s child minding establishment.

The decision to reject him was laid out in the affidavit of Arthur Spoon in which he stated “When M. Fagote told me he had just got out of Long Bay after serving a sentence of 4 years for molesting children, I told him it was more than my job was worth to employ a peedo.” This uncontested evidence was determinative of the issue.

At the time, several other matters were before a number of courts involving a staff member’s sexual activity with a camel in Taronga Zoo, masturbation in a restaurant while holding a woman’s high heeled shoe, refusal to lease a property to a family of exhibitionists, and a refusal by the Sydney Daily Telegraph to carry an advertisement for the world’s record circle grope.