James, an aspiring young playwright sent this as a humorous interlude for Menzies House readers. I suggest truth is stranger than fiction. Start 2013 with laughter. GC. Ed.
The Scene: The Prime Minister's office. She is burning old parliamentary papers and other things in her waste paper basket.
Enter Christine Milne: She is angry. leaves door open. points finger at PM.
Milne: You double crosser.
PM: What are you talking about?
Milne: Kyoto Protocol. It's cactus. You were supposed to keep it alive. We had a deal.
PM we did our best at Doha
Milne: Pull the other one. Even Greg Combet didn't go. And he is the bloody Minister for Climate Change.
PM: His suit hadn't come back from the cleaners. And no other world leader went. And you know what a balls Rudd and you lot made of it at Copenhagen. Anyway Kyoto Protocol is not dead. It is just resting.
Milne: Listen you. I know a dead Protocol when I see one, and I saw one at Doha.
PM. No, it's resting. It now has sixty new clauses to be ratified in 2016. It's a gorgeously looking Protocol now.
Milne: Looks don't come into it, Chubby. It's as dead as flares. It expired midnight 31 December 2012.
PM: It's resting, you'll see.
Milne: Resting is it? Let's see. Kyoto called for every signatory to reduce emissions to 5% below 1990 levels. Are we going to do that?
PM well, while Kyoto is resting we are not bound to that figure any more, but when they get a new Protocol...
Milne: Bullshit - Kyoto also required you to set up an Carbon pricing scheme and, from that, send billions to the UN to pay for all the costs of developing countries - are you still going to send the billions?
PM Well, Wayne Swan thinks that since we no longer have any obligations that way, and with the budget in tatters as it is....
Milne (sneering): I thought not. Kyoto is cactus.
PM (Desperately) No, it's resting. We are just regrouping. The science is settled. We'll execute deniers.. It's resting.... When we get a new Protocol - VOOM!
Milne (Channelling Monty Python) VOOM?? Listen, lard-arse, that Protocol wouldn't VOOM! if you stuck a thousand volts up Ban Ki Moon's khyber. This Protocol has passed on! It is no more! It has ceased to be! It's expired and gone to meet its maker! This is a late protocol ! It's a stiff! Bereft of life, it rests in peace! Its continued references in the Sydney Morning Herald and the ABC are of interest only to historians! It's hopped the twig! It's shuffled off this mortal coil! It's rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible! This.... is an EX-PROTOCOL!
PM: (On the attack) Well, what about the Greens? Changing all your core beliefs!
Milne: (defensive) No. we just renamed them. Rephrased things.
PM: Bullshit! What for?
Milne: PR mainly. Better expresses our intentions. Attract more supporters.
PM: The Greens are cactus!
Milne: No, we are just resting...
PM: Isn't that my line?
Milne: Fancy a drink??
PM: Make it two.
Milne: Julia, sorry for those remarks about your .. you-know.
PM : forget it. Pickering calls me worse things.
Milne: (reflectively, sadly) Julia, this is not the end, it is not the beginning of the end, but it is the end of the beginning.... for both of us.
Tony Abbott (Sticking his head around the door) I'll drink to that.