Just when you thought the universe could not get any stranger; Toby does it again—he has secured Julia Gillard’s advance resignation speech; more like her usual lecture.
The resourceful Toby disguised himself as the ex-Leader of the Greens, Bob Brown, and was thus able go through any part of any Labor Offices of Parliament House, including the top secret Cabinet offices, as if he was the invisible man.
The Cabinet meeting room, he reports, is beautiful, with marquetry panels of eucalyptus leaves adorning it. Hidden among the leaves is a cicada, a dragonfly and a blowfly which are deeply, religiously symbolic of struggle and death, or the uselessness of Aerogard in the afterlife, or something.
Suspended from the ceiling is an enormous Swarovski crystal hookah which Cabinet members can suck while listening to Bob Carr.
To obtain the speech Toby merely had to gently shift the snoring Peter Garret’s head off Julia’s handbag that Peter was using as a pillow. Nobody noticed as Bob was now two and a half hours into explaining why something couldn't be done.
Following is the speech:
Comrades—tonight I stand before you with a heavy heart. [Look sad, but determined]. The election results are in, and while I’m pleased to say that we carried Redfern, Rockdale and Cringilla overwhelmingly, three seats! I wish I could say that we won as many in each of the other states. But we didn’t, so I must now explain to you why you blokes lost this election. [Tighten lips, buttocks and point finger.]
Some are saying that I lost because of all of the multiple back stabs of Kevin Rudd, but Fair work Australia have provided a sixteen volume report which totally exonerates me. Apparently as it was done in self defence.
Some are saying that I lost because of my efforts to increase the number of citizens who don’t pay taxes. This is another lie [look disgusted]. All I wanted to do was create a haven for millions of illegal immigrants so that the party could have a decent voter base—this will pay off in the future [raise one fist high].
During my time I was able to create a green program that will someday rival the economy of somewhere that still has real money in the bank. The Tax has been described as a bitter pill to swallow, but that was just the ignorance of people [shake head]. The Tax was never designed as a pill—it is a suppository.
Then there is the Mining Tax. Do we really want to sell grotty things like iron and coal? Have we no pride? And is it not better left in the ground? This election result now means the billions we planned to spend rebirthing Akubra hats will not be spent. Another opportunity, like pink batts, lost. Remember, Akubra hats do not set houses on fire [pause, wait] we did learn from some little mistakes.[smile sadly].
Some people are already saying we lost because of the 'liar' tag. Nonsense, [thump rostrum] people know that lying is a part of our job description. They expect it.
They are saying we lost because of the Slush Fund scandal—more rubbish and smear from Abbott. They could prove nothing, and, if only those files had survived whatever happened to them, I could prove I was as innocent as Joan of Arc. Innocenter, even.
Labor lost, you lost, you, not me, because you lost your way. You turned into a Party that promoted old fads. You must discover and promote new fads. Forget the NBN, Global Warming, Gay Marriage, the Environment, Multi-culturalism.
Your challenge is to be one jump ahead. You can’t use the CSIRO any more to support you with bullshit research. But Woman’s Day is full of ads from women who guarantee, guarantee, that you will be amazed at their predictions, try them out. See what new fads we can exploit.
Time now to build on our core base of boat people, gays, teachers, atheists, universities, minorities, public servants, and the unions. Support them in every way possible and the rest of Australia will thank you for it.
You hope. [Don't say this last bit aloud]