The accusation that, 35 years ago, Tony Abbott did his block and punched the wall near a young woman is of such national importance, so revealing of the dark side of human nature, of the evil that lurks in the heart of man, that the Sydney Morning Herald had carried it front page, with big black headlines to show it must be true.
The energies of the SMH were turned to finding supportive evidence and their tireless diligence paid off when they found a barrister who said, “Yeah, I heard about that too. Didn’t see anything, but, no, yeah, someone said something to me about it.” What more was needed?
But does it stop there? Are there similar incidents which can cast the pure spotlight of truth, the harsh white light of moral superiority onto other political figures?
The answer is ‘Yes’ and today Menzies House is proud to publish extracts from Toby's upcoming expose, “Canberra Stench.”
“…take Big Mamma herself, Member for Gilmore, Jo Gash; I have an affidavit from Jonkfrauw Geen Hersens which sets out that when she was in Kindies in Holland, Jo, invited to take a lick of Hersens' ice cream, actually took a bite! “I was so shattered,” the Jonkfrauw reports, “that I could not hand in my homework for a week and missed out on a gold star. To this day I will never allow anyone else to take a lick of my ice cream – except maybe Sean Connery. ”
When interviewed, Mrs Gash denied the incident entirely and pointed out that the woman in question still has the crayons she borrowed from Jo.
“… then in 1942, Julia Bishop's dad hit a cow on the arse with a rubber boot when it would not go into the bails for milking. Dennis Droop, President of the Royal Society for Keeping all Creatures Safe Except Cane Toads, the RSKCSEx, (pronounced ‘riskysex”) was horrified to learn of the incident and noted that the cow in question was now dead and could not be examined forensically. Droop would have prosecuted, he says, if he had been born then but action is now barred by the Statute of Limitations. He admits that Bishop had not been born either but “bad blood will out” and suggested that citizens should be wary if they see her with a rubber boot in her hand.
“… At a Local Government Conference in the Blue Mountains in 2000, John Howard told a dirty joke about a Comanche protestant transexual with a glass eye and a wooden leg, simultaneously offending all native Americans, the Archbishop of Sydney, Julia Gillard, the entire LGBT community, the Paralympics Committee, the Socialist Party, the Flat Earth Society and the majority of Australian journalists and Fairfax readers. It was lucky for him that, at the time, his listener, Sister Francis Xavier, had no idea what Howard was talking about and thought he was collecting for the Royal Blind Society; otherwise the voters of Australia would have demanded his resignation.”
Note: Toby's book, “Canberra Stench” will issue in January 2013, Malignant Press, $18.00 incl GST and postage. Early purchasers may obtain a 15% discount by sending all their credit card details to Sir Odumbo Toby, Nigerian Publications, Abuja, Nigeria.